by The Devils Advocates
Welcome to our oddly-titled article! You were maybe looking for naked women, schoolgirls, sheep? We thought so... And we fooled ya! This is an article about pornography. By placing pornography buzzwords in the title this article comes (no pun intended) up a lot more often on search engines all over the world! And now that we've got you, why not stay awhile? Don't worry, the naked ladies aren't going anywhere. They'll be waiting for you when you're done.
Let's start with a definition of pornography, from the Mirriam-Webster Online Dictionary:
- por-nog-ra-phy
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek pornographos (adjective) writing about prostitutes,
from porn (prostitute) + graphein (to write)
Date: circa 1864
1 : the depiction of erotic behavior (films, pictures, videos, writing)
intended to cause sexual excitement
2 : material (films, pictures, videos, writing) containing depictions of erotic behavior intending to cause sexual excitement
3 : the reason for adolescent boys to spend prolonged periods of time in the bathroom alone, and for adolescent girls to spend prolonged periods of time riding horses
Nothing inspires humankind like pornography. Paintings, literature, technology... Pornography, or "porno" is at the forefront of all of them. Why the Gutenburg Press? So we could all subscribe to Playboy, of course. Why the industrial revolution? So the new middle class could have more time to wank. Why the race for space? So we could have orbiting satellites delivering 61 channels of Swedish Erotica!
Just as our civilization has been shaped by porno, so too have our individual lives. Every young man remembers the excitement of discovering his dad's stroke book stash, entering a new, forbidden world where cheerleaders don't wear underwear, artists paint in the nude, and dental hygienists hanglide topless. As for young women... Well, we don't know. We're guessing, maybe, Judy Bloom books?
For young people, the only danger in "the left-handed read" is getting caught, a fear that can shape the performance of a man in bed for years to come -- "There's no time for foreplay, my mom might catch us!".
The Law of Averages dictates you do get caught eventually; hey, it happens to everybody. Girls can rest with assurance that their fathers won't call them on it; after all, people who live in glass houses... Even at the very worst, they can justify their stroke books as erotica. But boys don't have it so good. When their mothers ask "Do you like looking at pictures of naked ladies?", don't bother saying anything. There is no correct answer.
Eventually as we grow up we evolve from faded, dog-eared magazine pages to the wonderful world of video! Thanks to the arrival of the VCR, not only can you turn your living room into a home movie theatre, but into your own private peep show booth too, and without the annoying need for pocketfuls of loose change. Just walk through the swinging doors or maze-like entrance into the "Adults Only" section of your local video store, and gaze at the Cornucopia of Creativity on display -- The movie titles, not the plots.
Diddler on the Roof, Field of Reams, Dun Her, On Golden Blonde, Position Impossible, Poke-A-Hot-Ass, The Littlest Furmaid, Cockman and Throbbin, For Your Thighs Only, Bang The Bum Slowly, Forrest Hump, Vaginatown, WETness, and Free Willy. Clever puns on famous movie titles mask the endless repetition of the same plot: Guy meets girl, girl bends over, girl not wearing underwear, guy goes with it. To give the auteurs of this fine work credit, there are only so many variations on this theme.
Though the theme stays the same, at least the faces - well, not faces per se, but you know what we mean - give these erotic opi (i.e. sex films) some variety. So many young starlets head to Hollywood to seek fame and fortune, then wind up in some guy's back room trying to act on six-inch heels. And if they can't, no matter: There's usually a sticky couch well within falling distance.
If you tire of mechanical sameness or take exception to extreme close-ups of human anatomy, perhaps the hardcore porn of San Fernando valley isn't for you. Instead you can fire up your local foreign language channel and catch the best of European Erotica. Twenty minutes of gibberish, two minutes of moaning, and maybe a breast, probably a man's...
And if that's too much for your weak heart, there's always those "How to Make Love Gooder" tapes. You don't need to stuff these babies into your trenchcoat; you can carry them with dignity out the door of your local video rental joint: "I'm no dirty old man... I'm saving my marriage! And if that means looking at greased-up Playmates simulating intercourse then so be it!". Even the fundamental folk at Blockbuster Video, the type of people who would censor Bambi, carry this flavourless pornographic tapioca. You'll find out "How Candles Create The Mood", but you'll likely wish for better lighting so you could actually see something.
If you're too embarrassed to have the high-school dropout at the video store think poorly of you (we're guessing he's viewed the same titles as you, many times over) don't fear: Technology will come to your rescue! You don't have to pass your ID over the counter with a shaky hand, you can surf the 'net, as if you didn't already know... Instantaneous worldwide communication? A free public forum for the sharing of ideas? A new electronic medium of expression? How about free porn and plenty of it!
Every possible fetish can be satisfied in cyberspace. Want nudie pics of Drew Barrymore? Visit alt.pictures.erotica.drew-barrymore. Want nudie pics of Drew Barrymore with a lemur? Go to alt.pictures.drew-barrymore.lemur. Want to talk about what you saw? Check out alt.pictures.drew-barrymore.lemur.discussion. Want to see Teri Hatcher with a lemur? You figure it out!
But be forewarned: There is no such thing as free porn. How do you think America Online stays in business? It can hurt you in other ways too; you can lose precious brownie points when the girl of your dreams finds the Big Buttz website bookmarked on your browser.
The biggest cost of all is time. Sitting around waiting to log on, sitting around waiting for confirmation that yes, you are indeed twenty-one, then sitting around waiting for the objects of your desire to download to your screen, then to your computer. Suddenly, dinner and a movie doesn't seem like such an ordeal. Porn is a waste of time. You waste time getting it, you waste time using it, you've wasted time reading this and we've wasted time writing it.
The Devils Advocates' Improv Heaven & Hell airs on The Comedy Network every weekend. Check your local listings!
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